


The Snowchildren

by rorywritesstuff



Category: Fairy Tales & Related Fandoms
Genre: Children, Comedy, Fairy Tale Parody, Magic, Other, Parenthood, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 02:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16925040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rorywritesstuff/pseuds/rorywritesstuff
Summary: How a child was born to the royal family and what happened next.





	The Snowchildren

The Kind and Queen could have no children. They were sad, and the kingdom was sad with them. However, they used the disposable income they saved by not having offspring to travel to another kingdom for a winter’s holiday, to ease the pain.   
As they rode, the King and Queen were separated by a snowstorm. The Queen found herself in a thick patch of briar, as far as she could see. The wind whipped around her and the thorns caught at her cape. She rode on, trying to find her way back to the road. Soon, the briars were tearing at her flesh, and as she finally left the forest of thorns, a drop of her blood fell to the ground and mingled with the snow.  
And there, where her DNA met the semen of the sky, a child was born. She rose up out of the snow and soon solidified to flesh. Her skin was pale, her hair was light and she was just so fucking white, like the Oscars.   
“Mother!” Cried the child, running after the queen.   
“Am I your mother?” Asked the Queen.  
“Yes. I was born from your blood on the snow.” The child replied.  
“Oh joyous day!” Cried the Queen. The child climbed aboard her horse and they rode off to the find the King.

When the King heard the news, he cancelled the holiday and the couple returned to their realm to show off their new daughter. The child was the toast of the court.  
“She’s so pretty, by which I mean white,” said a racist courtier.  
“And you didn’t have to put up with any of the annoying baby period,” pointed out a lady-in-waiting.   
“Yes, you skipped right to the eight-to-ten years, which everyone knows are the best. When they can talk, but they’re not smart enough to hate you yet.” Said one particularly astute palace guard.   
“Yes, she’s perfect,” cooed the Queen.   
“We couldn’t be happier,” the King replied, setting himself up for a lot of disappointment.   
“Where can I get one?” Asked the Queen’s sister.  
“Just go bleed on some snow.” When the Queen said this aloud, she realised how strange the whole series of events had actually been.   
But the court took her advice to heart and soon everyone was going out and cutting themselves in a blizzard.

The Snowchildren filled the kingdom with joy all throughout the winter. They were polite and charming, with a good sense of humour and a strong sense of morality. They made biological children look like shit.   
And then the first sun of March streamed through the bedroom window.  
“Oh, I cannot wait to take our daughter out for her first walk in the sun,” trilled the Queen.   
She went through to her child’s chamber, but her daughter was not in there. All that lay inside was a puddle of water.  
She checked the nursery, the garden, the kitchen, the cellar, the attic, the guest bedroom, the sex dungeon, the guest sex dungeon and the parlour but her daughter was nowhere to be found. It was soon discovered that the Princess had melted in the spring heat.  
“Oh, woe is me!” Cried the Queen. “No one on earth has ever known this pain before.”  
The year before, the kingdom had suffered a plague that had wiped out sixty percent of the peasants’ offspring.   
And so the King and Queen – and also their courtiers, but who really cares about them – were back to their pre-parenthood status of having lots of money and no one to spend it on but themselves. They took holidays, they bought expensive items, they ate gold in front of homeless people, just to try and fill the void in their lives.

Eventually, a year had passed and the snow fell once more. The Queen wondered…if life had sprung once, why not again? And so she snuck out into the courtyard and bled all over the place. Soon, a whole troupe of Snowchildren had formed, each more pleasant than the last, which made the earliest one really quite a bore.   
And so through the winter, the Queen showed her brood off around the kingdom, and did all the fun parts of being a parent, knowing that come the sun she would be independent and wealthy again.  
And soon everyone was following suit, being parents in the winter when there was not much fun to be had outside anyway and then shedding their responsibilities for the summer, and holidaying in Ibiza.   
One year, the frost lasted longer than usual and the Snowchildren stuck around until late May. There was a forty percent rise in infanticide that year. But, honestly, is it a crime to kill a snowman?  
P.S. No one had any real children in the kingdom, because real children suck, and they all soon died out.


End file.
